A bit of humour

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Sun Sep 15, 2013 10:23 pm

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs, above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and with the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
Laughing Laughing Laughing 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Tue Sep 17, 2013 12:37 am

Oh Jeanie, you are awful. - - - But I like it.Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Tue Sep 17, 2013 3:20 pm

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Tue Sep 17, 2013 10:09 pm

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Wed Sep 18, 2013 12:35 am

Clever peoples - clever. I like the way the stories were succinctly put together. Well done.Wink Wink Very Happy Very Happy 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Fri Sep 20, 2013 9:45 pm

Walking Eagle


On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime


Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations
of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair?

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:03 pm

Has our sense of humour gone Sad lol! 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Hinch on Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:11 pm

Well I like it.
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:36 pm

Hinch wrote:Well I like it.
You like what may I ask ?flower 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:38 am

affraid scratch Not at all. How else could we keep voting the idiots in to look after our interests if we didn't have one?Rolling Eyes Wink Shocked Cool Very Happy 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Hinch on Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:32 am

Jeanie wrote:
Hinch wrote:Well I like it.
You like what may I ask ?flower 
The Tony Blair joke.
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Sun Sep 29, 2013 1:22 am

A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Boudreaux the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."


 


"So, I just switched the heads."
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Mon Sep 30, 2013 1:09 am

Eee I don't know? Just switched heads. Tch. Whatever next.
Come on teamplayer2 - join in yer miserable g**Wink Wink Wink 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  cyfrifia on Mon Sep 30, 2013 1:39 am


Say Cheeese!

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Mon Sep 30, 2013 12:09 pm





Laughing Laughing Laughing that made me chuckle
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  cyfrifia on Mon Sep 30, 2013 10:38 pm

And me, fairly light humor.



This one is similarly bizarre, From Egypt news http://www.egyptindependent.com/node/1022236 in an Egyptian TV studio. Not quite sure if it's funny or not as yet, perhaps that would depend on the caption? Can anyone think of one?

Final makeup check?

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Mon Sep 30, 2013 10:52 pm




" err, I don't recognise you, do I know you ? "
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:54 pm

(Camera person) Er. Excuse me. Wherever you are. But whose bright idea was the black back-drop! Could you all try blinking?
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  cyfrifia on Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:16 am



It really is a new TV channel run and presented by women in niqabs. Seems to have quite an audience.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/portuguese/videos_e_fotos/2012/07/120723_veu_egito_rc.shtml
Still not sure how funny this is, but it is, in a funny sort of way.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:31 am

They can't all be that ugly - surely???Rolling Eyes 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Wed Oct 02, 2013 7:34 pm

Just love this;-

One day Jesus was walking past the Pearly Gates when St. Peter ask him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and within a few minutes he saw an old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and beard.
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven?" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the old man.
"Well there are millions and millions of people here, how will you recognise him?" said Jesus.
"I'll recognise him by the nail holes in his hands and feet" the old man replied.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says "Father????"
The old man looks at Jesus and says "Pinocchio??"

Wink 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Thu Oct 03, 2013 8:51 pm

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Wink 
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If my body was a car.

Post  teamplayer2 on Sun Oct 06, 2013 8:28 am

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...




But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, And it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Mon Oct 07, 2013 1:14 am

Good job your not a car then lad! Very Happy 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:52 am


Atlas took 2 stuffed dogs to the ' Antiques Road show.


"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"


"... Sticks ?" Atlas replied ....


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Re: A bit of humour

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