A bit of humour

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Fri Jan 03, 2014 10:18 pm

Giggles



Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"
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A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it WI me."
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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Duz tha want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"
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The last is always the best ...

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies, "Aye lad, dus tha want Magnum or Cornetto?"

 Laughing  Laughing  Laughing 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:04 am

Bloody 'ell lass - fair got mi chucklin' it did. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce Basketball 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Tue Jan 07, 2014 8:49 pm

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

 Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Mon Feb 03, 2014 10:07 pm

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent xrection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and £3000 a month living expenses”
 Wink Smile Smile
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Tue Feb 04, 2014 1:00 am

Caused me to chuckle. Loved it. Very good. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy 
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First the APPLE

Post  keithatrochdale on Tue Feb 04, 2014 1:54 pm

A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

 The man replied," I agree with you completely.

This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

" Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks,

"Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too! . . . . men will never learn!
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Golf on Christmas Day

Post  keithatrochdale on Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:34 pm

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."
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Water in the carburetor

Post  keithatrochdale on Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:39 pm

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"
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HE MUST PAY

Post  keithatrochdale on Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:41 pm

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
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Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

Post  keithatrochdale on Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:42 pm

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!...
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Thu Feb 06, 2014 1:09 am

 bounce Well done. More. More. cheers sunny sunny 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:32 pm

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the pharmacist!"
 Shocked Laughing Laughing Laughing 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  keithatrochdale on Thu Feb 20, 2014 4:38 pm

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Sat Feb 22, 2014 6:11 pm

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.

The others look at him questioningly.

“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in

my hand.”

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he

had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes

to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, “Wow! What’s that?”

“I’m getting a Fax,” he explains.
 Laughing 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Sun Feb 23, 2014 1:14 am

Cheeky. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy 
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Re: A bit of humour

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