A bit of humour

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Sun Jan 20, 2013 5:47 pm

THIS IS A KEEPER!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain.
Wink
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Mon Jan 21, 2013 12:06 am

Nice one. Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Mon Jan 21, 2013 12:25 am

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
 
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:53 pm

Ye Gods! When can we put this thread to sleep?


Last edited by past it on Mon Jan 21, 2013 6:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Charly on Mon Jan 21, 2013 6:47 pm

I hope its ongoing, makes me smile Razz
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Mon Jan 21, 2013 6:53 pm

Are you sure it's not wind?


Last edited by past it on Mon Jan 21, 2013 6:53 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Mon Jan 21, 2013 6:53 pm

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little skateboards, we would not have to run again."
God answered,
"It is done." All the mice had beautiful skateboards.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious."



Hey, we need a cute clean one and a non-political one every once in awhile. Very Happy











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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:14 pm

past it wrote:Ye Gods! When can we put this thread to sleep?

You don't have to read it "no likey -no readey"

Some of us have a sense of humour Wink
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:49 am

past it wrote:Ye Gods! When can we put this thread to sleep?

Hey up you Old Grinch. Maybe you like things a little more high-brow. Try this one -


HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
 
The answer by this student was so profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why you now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
 
Bonus Question:
 
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 
One student, however, wrote the following:
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
This gives two possibilities:
 
1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
 
2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then
the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
 
So which is it???
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh God. Oh my God.'

THIS
STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.



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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Tue Jan 22, 2013 9:43 am

Jeanie wrote:
past it wrote:Ye Gods! When can we put this thread to sleep?

You don't have to read it "no likey -no readey"

Some of us have a sense of humour ;)

It's the humour that's missing from many. Most seem to be driven by sex or more accurately smut.At least one was removed by the moderators.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Tue Jan 22, 2013 9:46 am

Atlas wrote:
past it wrote:Ye Gods! When can we put this thread to sleep?

Hey up you Old Grinch. Maybe you like things a little more high-brow. Try this one -


HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
 
The answer by this student was so profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why you now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
 
Bonus Question:
 
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 
One student, however, wrote the following:
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
This gives two possibilities:
 
1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
 
2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then
the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
 
So which is it???
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh God. Oh my God.'

THIS
STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Now that is much better!




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Re: A bit of humour

Post  mary ann on Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:34 am

Why could I never find a student like that. It would certainly have relieved the monotony of marking! Laughing

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Guest on Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:02 am

past it wrote:
Jeanie wrote:
past it wrote:Ye Gods! When can we put this thread to sleep?

You don't have to read it "no likey -no readey"

Some of us have a sense of humour Wink

It's the humour that's missing from many. Most seem to be driven by sex or more accurately smut.At least one was removed by the moderators.


past it: How about soupçon genres ?


An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained " I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go"




At this point, Atlas can break into his infamous dance "twist" and have a pine needle tea infusion, prior to retiring Smile


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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:50 am

I must have obviously mentioned (in passing - humble that I am) my adroitness in that particular gyration and thus will concur with your apt description of somethings that appeal to me. Found your latest face stretcher quite amusing. I'm sure 'past-it' will allow it to pass muster without putting fingers to keyboard. We shall see -. Meanwhile -


A Computer was - - ??

Memory - was something you lost with age


An application - was for employment


A program - was a TV show


A cursor - used profanity


A keyboard - was a piano


A web - was a spider's home


A virus - was the flu


A CD - was a bank account


A hard drive - was a long trip on the road


A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy … .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
… .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. …… . you just hoped nobody ever found out!???
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:23 pm

A distinct improvement. Go for it.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Sun Jan 27, 2013 10:37 pm

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.


Dear Lord,
This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite blues singer Amy Winehouse.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are

Ed Miliband, David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Balls. Wink


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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Charly on Sun Jan 27, 2013 10:45 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Mon Jan 28, 2013 1:20 am

Ooo.Ouch. Cruel Jeanie. Cruel. Smile
And now for something completely the same:-


>Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
>
>
>When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
>
>So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
>
>Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
>
>St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
>
>The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
>
>
>The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
>
>
>She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyeson ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
>
>St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
>
>The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
>
>
>The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"




Ain't that just typical. Life eh!!!!! affraid
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:02 am

Just saying 'hello'. Past It is hoping this thread will die away. No. Not yet mi old cock-sparrow. Wink
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Tue Jan 29, 2013 8:31 pm

Atlas wrote:Just saying 'hello'. Past It is hoping this thread will die away. No. Not yet mi old cock-sparrow. Wink

As long as it contains gratuitous foul language and extremely poor sexual attempts at humour I will continue to do so. It is unlikely to happen I know because what I describe is clearly welcomed by some contributors.
Proof if needed can be can be witnessed by the fact that the moderators removed one particularly awful piece. A bridge too far I guess.
Off piste so to speak how do I include smilies?

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Charly on Tue Jan 29, 2013 8:51 pm

Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding? Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Tue Jan 29, 2013 10:54 pm

Sad to say the post "past it" complained about was inoffensive and humorous.
He doesn't like this post so why DOES HE continue to read it if only to complain ?
confused


Last edited by Jeanie on Tue Jan 29, 2013 10:55 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : added smiley !)
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Wed Jan 30, 2013 1:20 am

Charly wrote:Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding? :lol:

I have tried to drag a smillie across but nothing happens. I am not kidding really.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Wed Jan 30, 2013 1:24 am

Jeanie wrote:Sad to say the post "past it" complained about was inoffensive and humorous.
He doesn't like this post so why DOES HE continue to read it if only to complain ?
:confused:

It is only after reading a post that that one can comment on it just as you have done with mine. I thought that was pretty obvious.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Charly on Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:54 am

past it wrote:
Charly wrote:Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding? Laughing

I have tried to drag a smillie across but nothing happens. I am not kidding really.

You dont 'drag' it..you click on it, try it and see if it works that way Laughing it doesnt show as the actual smiley though, it shows in code, the laughing smiley I clicked on shows as lol
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Re: A bit of humour

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