A bit of humour

Priest’s Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'


Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shite about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a FUCKING UTOPIA!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 5 pence!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILED LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

Regards,
Grumpy Gang
 

And they certainly wouldn't have survived the 1940's and 50's - God what a miserable bummer that lot was.  

But jeanie - each generation to its own and let's be thankfull that today - they've never, ever, had it so good - and it will probably keep getting better  - - - -for a while!!!!!!



Loved the 'stuffed dogs' teamplayer      

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. A small crowd had gathered, so they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper!

Now gloating proudly, and still enjoying the moment, George presses on, and declares so all can hear him,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be happy, if you rode with me! Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she slipped, or was pushed.

A big increase for the Chief Executive by £40,000 while the poor and jobless and the sick of Rochdale are told to cut back because the council have no money. 

There is no need for sick jokes teamplayer2! - And I thought you a gentleman!       

I am a gentleman sometimes I think Atlas. May be! Might be! Could be! Now let me see!

Hang one while I go and ask my wife.

Trust me on this one. I think my wife does. 

Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread
apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old
man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.

The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're
medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old chap, what do you have?"

The old man said,



"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

 Humour



They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.


Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.


Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!


Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.


Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.


Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'


What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.


When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.


A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.'


Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day: 'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'

Warm milk

In a convent , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.


One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.


As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.."Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "


"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.


And a friend like me? - Well that's just a sign of good taste!!

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……..

   

Mojo Hill wrote:  

Anyone 'mature' enough to remember this crew ?

             

 
                      Yes I sure do, brilliant

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk’. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He received an “A”.

 

Yea. Right.   

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb...
 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

_________________________________________


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
   

Jeanie asked

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


Answer- Teamplayer. 

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

________________________________________

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

_________________________________________

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

_________________________________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
________________________________________
 

Jeanie you are sick. 

teamplayer2 wrote:Jeanie you are sick. 

No Teamplayer I just have a "sense of humour"   hope I haven't offended you and hit a nerve because I have a few more to post yet   : 
It's only a bit of fun xxx

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
_________________________________________

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.

 Don't you just love it.    

Jeanie wrote:

teamplayer2 wrote:Jeanie you are sick. 

No Teamplayer I just have a "sense of humour"   hope I haven't offended you and hit a nerve because I have a few more to post yet    : 
It's only a bit of fun xxx

Tongue in Cheek Jeanie. I was laughing when I was reading them. Carry on. I do have a very naughty joke but I am not sure if it is suitable for here. 

TP.