A bit of humour

For God's sake TP. Try being naughty for a change - have a day off and take that blasted cork from your rear end -! 

God and Lawn Care

GOD:
Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord, the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
   

Its happened again!

First day at school


First day back at school in Birmingham , ENGLAND.

The new teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here"

"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here"

"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here"

"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here"

"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here"

"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call.  A girl stood up and said,

"Sorry, teacher. I think that's me.  It's pronounced Alison Allen

That really does say it all doesn't it. At least it's a start at integration. Good one jeanie. 

The Old Man And Satan ……………………………
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said ……………. “Do you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” “Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain't.” said the man. “Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan. “Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. “Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan. “Yep,” was the calm reply. “And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan. “Nope,” said the old man More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren't you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

   

Yep. Well done kiddo.     

Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
 

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda
pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be
easier if he were brown like the other toads ... He'd sure be less
visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway ...

This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads,"
he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The
stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand
and goes "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown!
Except ..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's
still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see
the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off
on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same
woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same
fairy godmother.
(yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the
purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want
to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can
spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic
wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you
lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells:
"Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown.
Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother,
"My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies,
"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the
hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........


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you know what's coming don't you ?

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you'll be sorry you ever gave me your email address after this....

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she flew off, saying.......

"Just follow the yellow-prick toad!!"

Ey lass. I don't know --.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deans gate, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

Well done kiddo. So discerning -    

The Rocking Song



Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;



We will lend a coat of fur,



We will rock you, rock you, rock you,



We will rock you, rock you, rock you:







Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.







Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells



Dashing through the snow



In a one horse open sleigh



O'er the fields we go



Laughing all the way







A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.




 

Little Donkey



Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road



Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load







The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

  

Behave.  

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.

 

Wicked. But I liked it.    

Splendid bit of jollification there hinch my boy. Well done.      and A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

new 'tablet' playtime over   )