A very unexpected evening

Last night my daughter and I went for quiet evening at the Golf Club. I should have realised something was up when the very old Mazda taxi already had another passenger sat in the front seat. A smallish lady who was rummaging in a capacious handbag (in which I suspect she lived) and muttering something about "thats £8.50 you owe me".

On arrival I was further surprised to see the taxi driver get out and lock the car up. I thought it was an odd place to finish the shift, but didnt want to ask as she was a bit scary and intimidating. We all headed towards the entrance and similarly made our way upstairs to a crowded room. Daughter and I picked a table at the back, comfy seats and the Captains chair for her. By now, as the driver and other passenger plonked themselves down in the vacant places, I was getting a bit irritated. Enquiring of the daughter what she would like to drink, the other two (probably thinking I was waiting tables) ordered a LARGE cider (the small lady) and "`arf a lager darlin`" (the taxi driver). By the time I returned, they had engaged my daughter in conversation and were exchanging life stories. It turned out that the smaller lady was a recently unemployed council worker of some sort ( probably waste disposal) and the other was a benefit scrounger who was quite open about it, despite working for some person she referred to as Aqua!

The next surprise came when a gent handed out several sheets of paper and asked us to complete a questionnaire. Now what sort of research or marketing ploy they were doing, I never did find out. We had to look at pictures and then say who they reminded us of, (ink blot tests possibly) and then answer all manner of strange things such as " If Johnny has a pear, and Jane has a peach, how far away is the moon?".

There were empty chairs at our table and after a while they were taken by a pleasant refined lady and her "friend", who had clearly just mucked her stables out. They seemed to know the taxi driver and the bin lady, and were soon chatting loudly, but showing no interest in the market research questionnare. It turned out that the horsey person was still working for the council, having been able to retain her position, and was being quite snide to the poor bin lady about this. However they both showed unseemly interest when it was annouced that a soup kitchen had been set up in the car park, and they positvely charged out of the room, knocking several elderly people down in the process.

Inbetween all this, there was loud music and a very coarse and self opinionated gent with a mic who clearly enjoyed the sound of his own voice more than anyone else did. A lady came round and promised that if we purchased several numbered coloured pieces of paper, we wopuld be able to take home one of a number of items displayed on a table. Needless to say that was a lie and we never saw our money again!

It now became clear that the questionnaire was in fact some sort of Exam, as we had to mark the papers. We didnt check our own sheets, and when the results were announced I felt sure that our paper had been checked by someone of very low intelligence, whose reading and writing skills were very poor/nonexistant (and believe me there were a few of those about). It seemed that we had been awarded the penultimate position, which meant that we didnt get any of the money or prizes previously mentioned. I asked for a recount, but was ignored.

It was now home time. The other incumbants at the table had been sniffing something out of their glasses, and were quite loud and raucous. Twice the horsey lady got up and tried play the Post Horn Gallop on a Jews Harp, and the bin lady was doing a passable rendition of "my old mans a dustman". I suggested she stood the table to better let the crowd see her, and she rather tartly replied that she already was! Ooops.

Well the taxi driver then gathered her passengers up and tried to make out that we should pay her "waiting time"! This was the final straw and daughter I stalked out saying we would sooner walk than set foot in her taxi again.

You really must stop going to Conservative fundraisng functions my dear.

All I had planned was a nice refined quiet evening with my chauffeur !

But I must say the young lady was very intelligent and extremely artistic as she drew lovely patterns on the table mats and other places much to her mothers disgust and even gave me a lovely patterned table mat which I will treasure

I did offer her a lift home but she had promised to look after her mum who was far from ready for home

No wooden spoon this year ?

Removing the straw from my hair, the horse muck from beneath my nails, I rushed into the shower in an attempt look at least clean and tidy for the evening.

I had been invited by my refined friend to take wine with her. Having heard there was going to be some form of gathering plus potato pie at the Golf Club we decided to trot down. On arrival we were stripped of our loose change by two delightful young (very young) girls selling Father Christmas and Holly covers for Ferrier Rocha (?) chocolates. Something I have obviously always needed.

Once inside it was apparent this was going to be a raucous and unsavory evening as we were hailed into a corner of the establishment by a smallish M adam who continued to whisper in my ear all evening telling me stories I could not possibly repeat. She was accompanied by I believe a female taxi driver (whose meter was obviously still running) and ( I hesitate to say this ) someone who was obviously a well educated lady of the night.

In their midst was a delightful young free spirit with far more brains and beauty than the rest put together. She must have taken a wrong turning and ended up there by mistake (surely not by choice with that motely crew)


Entering into the spirit of giving money away we were indeed handed several bits of coloured, numbered paper. There was much excitement when the number on one of my papers was called out and I had to rush forward and queue to be handed a voucher worth X amount when (if ever) I spend YYY on booking a holiday with The Co-op. The Madam's number was called and she returned to the table with a huge basket full of unmentionables.

The nosebag was excellent and many within the group began to look rather uncomfortable around the girth with several shuffling on their seats in an attempt to ease the colic which they were enduring.

Through out the evening some chap simply kept on asking question after question the answers of which personally I had no idea (and honestly wasn't minded to loose any sleep about) The lady of the night and her chauffeur continued asking and questioning my refined, significant and delightful friend and myself. TheMmadam who sat beside me just kept on nodding and winking at me as though trying to convey some message but I didn't get what it was.I think she was trying in her polite way to suggest we ignore them.

I seem to recall some time ago attending a similar function and we were awarded the Booby prize. Why on earth I don't know, must have been because we were sat with the lady of the night as she is/was the one best endowed without any doubt.
I do hope the young lady was untainted by her experience and continues to be given guidance and support to help her through this difficult time.

Long may the refined lady and I continue to take wine together and possibly we may even hear from the Madam and her escorts again who knows.

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Now John B what's wrong with Conservative functions?....but it wasn't this time

No shortage of literary talent here in Rochdale then ! Rumour also has it that Southernbelle is set to be a senior production advisor for the next series of Dallas.

Ann M wrote:I seem to recall some time ago attending a similar function and we were awarded the Booby prize. Why on earth I don't know, must have been because we were sat with the lady of the night as she is/was the one best endowed without any doubt.
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Ann M: There has been a request from the OED, Oxford English Dictionery, for people to give the origin, or even meaning as well, for unusual words and very short phrases. " Blue-arsed flY" is an expression that may become ascribed to Prince Philip, (this will be hotly disputed) It got me thinking about the expression Rat Arsed, after reading your narrative, and that these two words mean 'drunken,' though I just can't imagine how that one originated.

Booby prize
Origin
A Booby is a type of gannet. 'Boobies' has also been used as a slang term for breasts since around 1935. This booby is neither of those. The word has been used to mean dunce or nincompoop since at least the late 16th century and that's the 'booby' of 'booby prize' and 'booby trap'. The word probably derives from the Spanish word 'bobo' meaning 'fool' or 'dunce'.

We prefer the breast explanation as SB is the proud owner of two fine examples!

Rat arsed
Origin
This addition to the myriad terms for being drunk entered the language in Britain in the 1990s. It is sometimes shortened just to 'ratted'. It is a follow-on to the earlier phrase 'as pissed as a rat'. There wasn't any particular reason to pick on rats, the choice seems almost arbitrary. Other creatures which have been used in similar phrases are newts, ticks, skunks - even lords:

As drunk as a lord
As drunk as a skunk
As pissed as a newt
As tight as a tick

Blue-arsed fly
There was an old song of the American Deep South all about the "blue-tailed fly". From the song, it's clear that such insects were a blasted nuisance, having to be continually brushed away by servants...even, in the end, resulting in the Master's death after falling from his fly-pestered horse

I just knew we would come back to the noble steed at some point.Must request my servants to remove those peskie flies before we saddle up.

However on this latest gathering wecertainly had nothing whatsoever to do with either the drunken rats or flies mentioned below.

Our Booby I do believe falls into the category of 'dunce, nincompoop, fool.' We won that last year and were awarded a wooden spoon to prove it which one of the aforesaid members of the group has since treasured. This time our performance reached great heights,we were placed in penultimate position.Much to our dismay as the Booby carried with it a wooden spoon and a bottle of whisky.

We were robbed!

It's exciting to know that someone who ' still works for the council ' can read, independently write and answer questions Ann.

Should I take that as a compliment Mojo !

Ann M wrote:Should I take that as a compliment Mojo !

Definately . I had an attack of optimism afterwards

Hinch: Southernbelle narrated herself that the horsey lady still worked for the council. I would not contradict her Ladyship and took her statement at face value. I have heard Southernbelle is actually a person of great integrity, charm, obvious beauty and spirited honesty. .

Your source and comments regarding Southernbelle are spot on Mojo. I cannot vouch for 'the sister' as I have heard she leaves much to be desired and nothing to the imagination.

I have yet to meet her.....

My sister is on an extended "vacation" at present. She and Mad George are not expected back in civilised society for some time. However it is not unknown for her to arrive back much earlier than thought, having convinced the Hoteliers that her stay can be curtailed with promises of good behaviour at home. The fools!