Planet of the Apes

Members of Heywood Cricket Club thought they were involved in filming for a re-make of 'Planet of the Apes' on Sunday evening.

People relaxing with a quiet drink in the bar heard grunting and scuffling sounds. Suddenly the door burst open and a group of long-armed, hairy, ape-like creatures entered, dragging knuckles across the floor and wielding sticks and stones. The creatures jabbered threateningly, making a variety of eep-eep and grunting noises before leaving.

It was later established no filming was in process. Scientists are intrigued by the description of these creatures, and think they may be an almost-human species.

http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/91730/armed-gang-raid-heywood-cricket-club

No I can't see that. A species of human would (a) not have picked a Cricket Club for an armed robbery (b) gone armed with 'sticks' or (c) left sufficient area uncovered on their forms that could class them as white skinned.

They are obviously a sub-species of animal form. Pea-brained would be apt description. Maybe a vegetable form. Parsnip springs to mind. They are white skinned are they not. I suggest the police visit some local allotment areas. Large white parsnips wearing hoodies shouldn't be that difficult to spot.

Animal vegetable or mineral, it is a puzzle as to why anyone would behave that way. It requires some explanation. Possibly their brains are decayed to mush by some drug? It does seem to be worryingly at the far end of the range of human behaviors.

Well, Heywood is known as Monkey Town.

Well Rochdale is known as Cowboy Town but how many do you see wearing spurs?
I think monkey is a slur on the species. These cretins are to be classed amongst the very low stratas.
Neanderthal or perhaps an earlier form.

By all scientific accounts, neandertals were quite a decent bunch, with larger brains, possibly wiped out by the more aggressive homo sapiens. It is thought that modern man probably interbred with neandertals. Something similar seems to have been happening in Darwen, where locals are attempting to interbreed with teddy bears.

http://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/news/darwen/11529089.Desperate_Darwen_burglar_violated_teddy_bear/

What bearing this may have on the genetic makeup of the cricket club robbers remains open to question.

That really doesn't bear thinking about. Then again perhaps you should bear with me whilst I bear my loins in order to establish how bear stuffing bears upon my perception and consequent experience. Sacre bleau - whatever next?

Er - I don't think I have a Teddy Bear - - - - . Hey up lass. Has getten' a Teddy Bear anywhere?

Do try to resist those thoughts. At least the man from Darwen didn't harm anyone, except for the psychological damage to everyone who has read about it in the news.

I'm not so sure the Teddy Bear would have thought it much fun. They do have 'feelings' you know.