A bit of humour

A GOOD SENIOR MOMENT


When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to our congressman about this running amok Homeland Security crap,
I did just as he had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided,
I found out that he was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Damn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors...

Neat. Very neat.

Haha, haven't laught so much in weeks Jeanie, brill ...

I laughed till I almost cried .

My wife hosted a dinner party for family from far and wide and everyone was
encouraged to bring all their children as well.
All through dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across
from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response.
My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Very funny those to little stories.

UP THE DALE wrote:Very funny those to little stories.

Has anybody else got any we could all do with a chuckle

when my wife was young she lived in a pub on Rochdale Road Manchester. one day she went to the cellar man and asked him "where is your other face he asked what she meant. "Me mam says you are 2 faced". out of the mouths of babes.

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet surgery. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So she went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the counter, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, then don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist then said, "Well, stay off your bike for about a week."

Loved that one.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:

"And, do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each

other. very confused.. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

Some excellent jokes.

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an
extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate
for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its
offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and
social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled
into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow.""Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Here’s me thinking six months down the line a polar bear comes along and has a very good meal when the penguin thaws out in the tummy..

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband
to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in here

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

Cheeky.

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,

And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you t'truth

I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,

But tha' knows,

twenty quid is twenty quid! "

Do you want to buy a 50inch Plasma TV for £50?

The volume button does not work but for that price you cannot turn it down.

A message sent on a mobile phone.

My sex change operation from male to female went really well yesterday.

In fact, it was so successful, I am still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Cheeky

Joke sent on a mobile phone

I have just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present.

Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, the dog seems to like her.

This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An
elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize
and was writing to say thank you.. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift
today.


Dear Shields High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age
Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home
for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all
alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a
forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would
never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead
husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to
fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.
sorry for the swear word x

Quite brilliant. Loved it.

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his Grandma for a few days. He had been playing outside with the other kids for a while, and when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"

Little Tony said, "Oh, OK", and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"