A bit of humour

Alright everyone I need your advice.

I have been offered 8 legs of Venison for £40.

Is that two deer?

An old lady is in a lift in a shopping mall when two footballers wives enter.

The door closes and one wife lifts her wrist to the other wife and says " Chanel no.5. £53 in Selfridges".

The other wife does the same and says " Gucci. £65 in Harrods".

The old lady lifts her leg, farts, and says "Sprouts 99p in Morrisons".

This is a friendly reminder about drinking and driving over the festive period.

I have just been to the pub. I left my car there and took a bus home. I am very proud of myself.

I have never driven a bus home before.

teamplayer2 wrote:Alright everyone I need your advice.

I have been offered 8 legs of Venison for £40.

Is that two deer?

Most certainly especially if they are two pair of forelegs. Caveat Emptor

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged critter),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to
church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going to
church with me and
receive blessings?"

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a
few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to
invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against the
centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to
church with me
and learn about God?"
....
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....

This time,a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first F****** time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

Hinch wrote:I always wanted a six-pack. How come I ended up with a barrel?

Er - on second thoughts - Pass -!

Died of shame ( so very cute )

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

“Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”


My public service is done for the day!!
Keep laughing...life is too short to take it too seriously....

Somehow, surprisingly, that touches a nerve jeanie. Well done.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...





For Best Results put on two Coats

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. After looking at the controls on the washing machine he shouts to his wife, 'darling, what setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your sweatshirt?'
He shouted back, ' University of Bristol .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

love it Atlas.

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the
Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

US Navy:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Navy:
This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH:
Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. Demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that’s 15 degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.









BRITISH:
We are a lighthouse. Bugger off!

How to bathe the cat.



1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,








The Dog

Brilliant x

Cats can also be used to power an eco-freindly dishwasher. Place the dirty dishes in a container, insert a few cats, leave overnight and the dishes are sparkling clean next day.

HE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

sent to us via a good Scottish girl

A LITTLE OLD LADY - Trial transcript verbatum.

 
Defence Attorney:

 Will you please state your age?

 
Little Old Lady:

 I am 76 years old.

 
Defence Attorney:

 Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?

 
Little Old Lady:

 There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 
Defence Attorney:

 Did you know him?

 
Little Old Lady:

 No, but he sure was friendly.

 
Little Old Lady:

 He started to rub my thigh. 

 
Defence Attorney:

 Did you stop him?

 
Little Old Lady:

 No, I didn't stop him.

 
Defence Attorney:

 Why not?

 
Little Old Lady:

 It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

 
Defence Attorney:

 What happened next?

 
Little Old Lady:

 He began to touch my breasts.

 
Defence Attorney:

 Did you stop him then?

 
Little Old Lady:

 No, I certainly did not!

 
Defence Attorney:
 
Whyever not?

 
Little Old Lady:

 His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

 
Defence Attorney:

 What happened next?

 
Little Old Lady:

 Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

 
Did he take you?

 
Little Old Lady:

 Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little creep.

[size=18]You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!' The silence in the cab was deafening.[\size]

Brilliant made me chuckle

The accuracy of this web site is stunningly incredible!

New GPS Location Device

THIS REALLY WORKS !!!!
I thought that Google Earth was good, but this is even more precise.
Check this out, pretty scary to know they can find you anywhere.
I'm not surprised to learn that such technology exists. It uses your
IP address and finds the exact location of any Internet user in
seconds. It uses a sophisticated time based algorithm to do so. Try it
and find your PRECISE location on the earth, then watch your screen as
the system briefly analyzes your data...then displays your PRECISE
location...Your location will pop up in a new window in about 10
seconds or so.
Click on the link below, or paste it into your browser......

http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html



Feed back would be most welcome.

The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their gonads fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour puss!