Great insults

Hinch Fri Mar 07, 2014 12:29 pm

I love the art of the insult. Two favourites:-

1. "He is a modest man with much to be modest about." Churchill on Atlee.

2. "You rancorous, coiffed old sow!" Basil Fawlty to Sybil.

What are your perfect put-downs?

Striding Mon Mar 10, 2014 9:46 pm

Another well-known one from Sir Winston Churchill, when accused by either Bessie Braddock or Lady Astor, of being 'disgustingly drunk' the Conservative Prime Minister responded: 'My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.'

Hinch Tue Mar 11, 2014 7:16 am

It was Lady Astor.

Guest Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:23 am

Hinch wrote:It was Lady Astor.

nay ... Bessie Braddock : -

Yes, I Am Drunk, But Tomorrow I Will Be Sober, And You Will ...... Quote Investigator

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/08/17/sober-tomorrow/#more-2632

____

You got " man flu" again ?

cyfrifia Tue Mar 11, 2014 11:02 pm

Quite a wounding insult is for the parents of the victim of grooming gangs to be told their daughter has made a 'Lifestyle Choice'.

'Grooming' has slipped from the headlines, but police activity goes on. In Newcastle, 27 properties have been searched by police, 46 people arrested, 80 women and girls identified. Grooming is often difficult to prosecute, only one charge of rape is reported here.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-26294454

The grooming 'industry' has been allowed to establish itself into many parts of the UK over quite some years. Are we going to cease being shocked by it because it has become widespread? Grooming activity may seem to disappear after a bout of publicity and police activity, but that doesn't mean it's finished, just gone quiet for a while.

The great British public didn't twig what was going on until it was dragged in front of them and some of the stories told. Will it fall back into that state of blissful ignorance again? Will the explanation of 'lifestyle choices' be heard again?

Admin Wed Mar 12, 2014 8:34 am

Let's not turn this into another grooming thread please though point taken Cyfrifia.

cyfrifia Wed Mar 12, 2014 8:47 am

OK Admin, will leave it at that, just mulling over the insults that arise in connection with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

The worst insult I've hurled in recent times was at a lady with two big out of control dogs. They were only puppies, long legged, about a yard high, having great fun galloping round leaping up and snapping at passers by. I told her firmly that she was an "Irresponsible dog owner". Something a bit more technicolour might have hit the mark better.
http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/85886/plea-to-keep-dogs-under-control-in-the-countryside

Hinch Wed Mar 12, 2014 9:07 am

My own personal great insult was at a meeting with a former HR director at Pennine Acute when I was joint Trade Union Convenor. Normally I was well controlled, never swore in meetings, nor did I ever let it get personal.

However, on this occasion I 'lost the plot'. They were trying to increase car parking charges by almost 100% and at some point in the meeting, it became apparent to me that the Director was reneging on his promises and taking the p*ss. With a mounting sense of horror, I heard myself say the following to him:-

"Doing business with you is like going to a f****** car boot sale, buying a hooky video off some f****** shyster in a cheap suit, taking it home and finding out that the f****** thing doesn't work then taking it back to try to get my f****** money back."

I then stormed out of the meeting leaving my astounded colleagues gaping open mouthed!

cyfrifia Wed Mar 12, 2014 11:02 am

What is the point of an insult? Is it just to make the insulter feel better, or is it more important that it changes the behavior of the insultee? A well phrased insult can become a memorable soundbite, and if it makes a good point can make the audience think differently about the behavior being highlighted.

On a personal level, the timing and tone of an insult can be what hits the mark, but for an insult to be memorable, it needs something more than that.

Winston Churchill's insult was amusing, but unfair against people who are ugly. It is remembered for the resonant way with words he had, rather than whoever it was said about.

It could be useful and effective to develop some fine insulting skills to highlight the misdemeanors of politicians and public figures involved in what goes on in Rochdale. It is a pity the local population is hardly literate, unable to express itself effectively, either verbally or in writing.

Guest Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:41 pm

cyfrifia wrote: --- It is a pity the local population is hardly literate, unable to express itself effectively, either verbally or in writing.

Cyfrifia:

Well, that is quite a sweeping insult from you about Rochdale's population Exclamation

keithatrochdale Wed Mar 12, 2014 4:25 pm

Mojo Hill wrote:
cyfrifia wrote: --- It is a pity the local population is hardly literate, unable to express itself effectively, either verbally or in writing.

Cyfrifia: Well, that is quite a sweeping insult from you about Rochdale's population

Well, if the media are to be believed ................

hovis Mon Mar 17, 2014 12:00 pm

one of the best of many insults l have had over the years was from a colleague who came to my home and met my children. As l was taking her home she said, how did YOU have such beautiful children!!!!!!. What do you say to that.

Hinch Mon Mar 17, 2014 12:08 pm

Of course, I alway's like Sir Geoffrey Howe's great put-down against Thatcher in his resignation speech to Parliament:-

"... it is rather like sending your opening batsmen to the crease, only for them to find that their bats have been broken before the game by the team captain."

Old Regulator Mon Mar 17, 2014 3:10 pm

Whilst enjoying our fishy Friday in the Regal Moon last week a loud mouthed 50ish bloke inquired of my guide dog eating a carrot:-

“Is that good for his eyes?” turns to mates and laughs.

“No his brain, would you like one?” his mates fall about with cries of "nice one mate."

Is that an insult or an observation?

Chill37 Mon Mar 17, 2014 3:26 pm

Old Regulator wrote:Whilst enjoying our fishy Friday in the Regal Moon last week a loud mouthed 50ish bloke inquired of my guide dog eating a carrot:-

“Is that good for his eyes?” turns to mates and laughs.

“No his brain, would you like one?” his mates fall about with cries of "nice one mate."

Is that an insult or an observation?

Observation. But superb comeback against a moronic idiot.

Hinch Mon Mar 17, 2014 4:20 pm

Contrary to Cyfrifia's assertion, OR's excellent example perfectly illustrates the effectiveness of the well timed, perfectly targeted insult. I will remember that one.

Dorothy Parker's writings are littered with good examples although many were unnecessarily barbed.

The perfect insult usually calls for a quick mind.

cyfrifia Mon Mar 17, 2014 4:38 pm

It does, and a fair point, Hinch, highlighting the variety of insults.

Old Regulator's insult was witty, amusing, timely and original, excellent and memorable stuff, but, to be fair the recipient would probably be honored to be on the receiving end of it, amused rather than devastated.

Looking more for Great Insults, those that can cripple an unpromising political career before it can do too much damage, such as "They are the Rochdale equivalent of Margaret and Dennis Thatcher". (That one needs working on).

Hinch Mon Mar 17, 2014 5:57 pm

A few here:-

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
- - - Walter Matthau (to Barbra Streisand)

I loathe you. You revolt me stewing in your consumption . . . you are a loathsome reptile - I hope you die.
- - - D. H. Lawrence (to Katherine Mansfield)

She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)

She not only worships the golden calf, she barbecues it for lunch.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)

The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
- - - Bob Hope

Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- - - Henny Youngman

She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
- - - Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)

She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
- - - Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn

Her body has gone to her head.
- - - Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)

She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
- - - Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)

She's a vacuum with nipples.
- - - Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)

Elizabeth Taylor looks like two small boys fighting underneath a thick blanket.
- - - Mr. Blackwell

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- - - Joan Rivers

Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time.
- - - Michael Todd (about Elizabeth Taylor)

Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel.
- - - Henry Allen (about Lauren Bacall, 1994)

A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.
- - - Mr. Blackwell (about Brigitte Bardot, 1962)

She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.
- - - Camille Paglia (about Drew Barrymore)

She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.
- - - John Gielgud (about Ingrid Bergman)

A great actress, from the waist down.
- - - Dame Margaret Kendal (about Sarah Bernhardt)

She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.
- - - Louella Parsons (about Joan Collins)

Joan always cries a lot. Her tear ducts must be close to her bladder.
- - - Bette Davis (about Joan Crawford)

A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson.
- - - Jeremy Novick (about Lolita Davidovich, Modern Review, 1994)

She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines. - - - Joan Rivers (about Bo Derek)

A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it.
- - - George Bernard Shaw (about Isadora Duncan)

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness.
- - - David Shipman (about Marlene Dietrich)

The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli.
- - - John Simon (about Shelley Duvall)

Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!
- - - Ava Gardner (about Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra)

Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair.
- - - Tom Shales (about Farrah Fawcett)

Jane Fonda coming back to the screen after a decade-and-a-half absence in Monster-in-Law is like Brando returning from the dead to star in a Police Academy movie.
- - - Michael Sragow

Purists, be warned: This scare-flick quickie [House of Wax] has as much relation to the 1953 Vincent Price classic with the same title as Paris Hilton does to acting.
- - - Peter Travers

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- - - Bette Davis (about Jayne Mansfield)

Miss United Dairies herself.
- - - David Niven (about Jayne Mansfield)

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- - - Robin Williams

It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs.
- - - Katherine Hepburn (about Sharon Stone)

Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it.
- - - Bosley Crowther (about Loretta Young)

Martina was so far in the closet she was in danger of being a garment bag.
- - - Rita Mae Brown (about Martina Navratilova)

Roseanne Barr is a bowling ball looking for an alley.
- - - Mr. Blackwell

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
- - - Johnny Carson

She is as much fun as barbed wire.
- - -Tom Hutchinson (about Sandra Bernhard)

I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Phyllis Diller)

When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart.
- - - Stewart Klein

Armed with a wiggle and a Minnie Mouse squawk, she is coarse and charmless.
- - - Sheila Johnson (about Madonna, 1987)

I look at my friendship with her as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it. That's all I have to say about Schmadonna.
- - - Sandra Bernhard (about Madonna)

Not in this lifetime. Why? Because I'm the only one she hasn't done it to.
- - - Sharon Stone (when told Madonna has said she wants to kiss her)

She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.
- - - Morrissey (about Madonna, 1986)

She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
- - - Joan Rivers (about Madonna)

Mariah the fashion pariah ... the queen of catastrophic kitsch
- - - Mr Blackwell (about Mariah Carey)

I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.
- - - Joan Crawford (about Judy Garland)

She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.
- - - Bette Midler (about Helen Reddy)

A cross between an aardvark and an albino rat.
- - - John Simon (about Barbra Streisand)

All legs and hair with a mouth that could swallow the whole stadium and the hot-dog stand.
- - - Laura Lee Davies (about Tina Turner)

Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed.
- - - Ralph Novak (about Yoko Ono)

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- - - Joan Rivers (about Yoko Ono)

A senescent bimbo with a lust for home furnishings.
- - - Barbara Ehrenreich (about Nancy Reagan)

Attila the Hen.
- - - Clement Freud (about Margaret Thatcher)

Nowadays a parlor maid as ignorant as Queen Victoria was when she came to the throne would be classed as mentally defective.
- - - George Bernard Shaw (about Queen Victoria)

In feathered hats that were once the rage, she resembles a petrified parakeet from the Jurassic age. A royal wreck
- - - Mr. Blackwell (about Camilla Parker-Bowles)

She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen.
- - - Odell Shepherd (about Louisa May Alcott)

A fungus of pendulous shape.
- - - Alice James (about George Eliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans)

George Eliot has the heart of Sappho; but the face, with the long proboscis, the protruding teeth of the Apocalyptic horse, betrayed animality.
- - - George Meredith (about George Eliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans)

Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."
- - - Mary McCarthy (about Lillian Hellman)

She bellies up to the gourmet cracker-barrel and delivers laid-back wisdom with the serenity of a down-home Buddha who has discovered that stool softeners really work.
- - - Florence King (about Molly Ivins)

To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar.
- - - John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)

Isn't she a poisonous thing of a woman, lying, concealing, flipping, plagiarizing, misquoting, and being as clever a crooked literary publicist as ever.
- - - Dylan Thomas (about Dame Edith Sitwell)

I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
- - - Noel Coward (about Dame Edith Sitwell)

In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear.
- - - Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)

She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
- - - Clifton Fadiman (about Gertrude Stein)

Virginia Woolf's writing is no more than glamorous knitting. I believe she must have a pattern somewhere.
- - - Dame Edith Sitwell (about Virginia Woolf)

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
- - - Julie Andrews (about columnist Joyce Haber)

She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent.
- - - Bette Davis (about Theda Bara)

She looks like something that would eat its young.
- - - Dorothy Parker (about Dame Edith Evans)

She is a lady short on looks, absolutely deprived of any dress sense, has a figure like a Jurassic monster . . . very greedy when it comes to loot, no tact and wants to upstage everyone else.
- - - Sir Nicholas Fairbairn (about Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York)

Timid? As timid as a buzz saw
- - - George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)

She must use Novocain lipstick.
- - - Jack Paar (about Dorothy Kilgallen)

Monica Lewinsky has agreed to host a new Fox reality show called Mr. Personality. Lewinsky says this way, when people ask her the most degrading thing she's ever done, she'll have a new answer.
- - - Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live

No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment.
- - - Clifton Fadiman (about Clare Booth Luce)

She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs.
- - - Nancy Mitford (about Princess Margaret, 1959)

She's about as feminine as a sidewalk drill.
- - - Maryon Allen (about Phyllis Schlafly

Guest Tue Apr 01, 2014 10:38 pm

I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
In the battle of wits you're an unarmed man.
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more..
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled.
You are living proof that God has a sense of humour.
You inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You have a Teflon brain - nothing sticks.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
Don't go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you've got a palm.
You conserve toilet paper by using both sides.
You're a dim bulb in the marquee of life.
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I fart to make you smell better.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
I heard that you were a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of shock.
If my dog had your face, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
You are the reason God created the middle finger.
You weren't fully debugged before being released.
You call people to ask them for their phone number.
You must be the arithmetic wo/man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You may be a beautiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!
You have Diarrhoea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
You're so dense, light bends around you.
Your family wasn't dysfunctional until you arrived.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
The twinkle in your eyes is actually the sun shining between your ears.
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
You're a legend in your own mind.
If brains were dynamite, you would not have enough to blow your nose.

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