A bit of humour

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:48 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:51 pm

Jeanie wrote: Laughing Laughing Laughing

Careful not to laugh Jeanie. Somebody may not like it. Sad No Crying or Very sad Wink
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Mon Feb 04, 2013 12:56 am

Atlas wrote:Johnny Goon Tweed would make Chubby Brown's patter look like an afternoon sermon on the Mount.
Don't like it - avoid the thread altogether then it won't upset you. :D

And for the teeth grinders - here's another one -

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her posterior, in the fold, was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


Very good.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  cyfrifia on Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:24 am

Yellow snow alert.
http://www.rochdaleonline.co.uk/news-features/2/news-headlines/77453/weather-warning
Do not eat the yellow snow.
Please ensure you use your sense of humour responsibly.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:45 am

Old ones are the best Cyfrifia
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:49 am

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce, smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche, fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old rusted Jeep. It needs a hand start and
I have to jump on while it's still going."



Well it cannot be any worse than some of the other jokes. Surprised
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:16 pm

One day a man goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket

and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please." ?

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth,
swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you," ? says the man.
"No, Not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," was the reply.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:32 am

Excellent chaps and chapesses. Love them Very Happy Smile Surprised Cool Very Happy bounce

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into the wall which jars the casket . Suddenly they hear a faint moan. Opening the casket they find that the woman is actually still alive!
The woman lives on for ten more years before again finaly passing away. Once again, a ceremony is held, and as it comes to an end and the pall bearers hoist the coffin to shoulder height the husbands voice is heard to echo resoundingly above the heads of the silent congregation " And this time watch that bloody wall!"
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And one for the train lovers... (May contain expletives!)

Post  Hinch on Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:26 pm

On holiday in America, a man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an Amtrak transcontinental train from Chicago to Los Angeles.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,............'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! .............. That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f***ing' blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ..................... he farted.


Last edited by Hinch on Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Another railway joke... clean this time!

Post  Hinch on Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:36 pm

Mr Smith gets into work late for the 5th time in five days and his boss says: "OK Smith, what's the excuse today? "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

"I'm very sorry boss," he says, "everything went wrong this morning. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but we got stuck in traffic.

"I didn't want to let you down so I got out of the car, knocked a policeman off his motor bike, stole his bike and raced through the streets to the station with siren screaching, the train was just pulling out of the platform so I ran after it and jumped on the back, I clung on at speeds of 100mph for 30 minutes but it didn't stop in the station so I jumped off on the viaduct into the swollen river and swam through raging torrents, got out of the river and grabbed a passing fire engine, clung on for dear life and it dropped me off here - and here I am - look, my suit's still damp!"

"You'll have to do better than that, Smith," said the boss, disappointed. "That's unbelievable, no woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
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And another... fairly clean!

Post  Hinch on Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:48 pm

A man goes to the buffet on the train and orders a burger. He gets back to his seat and is about to take a bite when he sees a hair sticking out. Very annoyed he takes it back to the buffet counter and tells the steward who served him, "There's a hair in my burger"!

"Just a minute," he says, "I'll have a word with the chief steward". He takes the burger to the chief steward who opens the burger, takes the hair out of it, closes the burger and squeezes it shut under his armpit.

The man can see all this: "That's disgusting", he says.

The steward says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make doughnuts!"

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:17 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:55 pm

Laughing Laughing
Now come on Past It I think you are being out voted here. Go on mate push the boat out and tell us some of your jokes. You must have a few clean ones and they can just be as funny. Smile
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  teamplayer2 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 2:29 pm

Before I go and nearly forgot. I was asked by someone yesterday, "Why was Richard the Third buried in a car park"

Could not stop laughing for quite a few minutes until I explained why. They got it but just a slip of the mind I think. Very Happy
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:56 pm

teamplayer2 wrote: :lol: :lol:
Now come on Past It I think you are being out voted here. Go on mate push the boat out and tell us some of your jokes. You must have a few clean ones and they can just be as funny. :)

There have been some very good jokes recently with less reliance on crude sex. Very welcome.

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:47 am

Oh alright then PT - just for you then -


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
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Another train joke...(May not pass the Past It test!)

Post  Hinch on Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:17 am

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman who was sitting opposite him, doing her knitting said,, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love," he replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman carried on some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replied the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man, angry with rage. grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train communication cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get a £200 fine for that!"

To which the woman replied, "Not when I've told my side of the story to the guard and the railway police and after they've smelt your fingers I won't."
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  past it on Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:11 pm

Atlas wrote:Oh alright then PT - just for you then -


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Very good

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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:54 am

O you are naughty Hinch Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Poor old Past it will be having fits. affraid
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Hinch on Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:28 am

It's all in the mind Atlas. All the chap actually did was eat prawns. The joke contained no expletives. No sex was mentioned.

It relies on the dirty mind of the audience for the joke to work.

I am amazed that a shy, retiring chap like you understands it.
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Jeanie on Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:47 pm

FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one
with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon , the one with the
nuts' he replied.He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
... Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts ;
Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:47 am

I didn't get that one er - doh. Sorry to disappoint you Hinch baby Wink Wink Wink Wink

You are a little Mal-teaser aren't you jeanie. affraid Wink
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True railway joke

Post  Hinch on Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:58 am



The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think that the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused on your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Atlas on Sun Feb 10, 2013 12:29 am

Brilliant - loved it. Go to the top of the class - Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Re: A bit of humour

Post  Hinch on Sun Feb 10, 2013 8:30 am

Even Past It can't complain about that one... Or can he?
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Re: A bit of humour

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