A bit of humour

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. 
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You're going to hate me for this...
>
>
>
>
>
>
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO'

Oh, stop groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then
Send it on to my other warped friends.

Several years ago the American airline Mcdonald Douglas had problems with DC10 engines dropping off and windows coming out so they grounded all of their DC10 aircraft and sent letters to the world's airlines telling them to ground their DC10's. All complied except Aer Lingus who wrote back. "Thank you for your notification but Aer Lingus does not own any DC10's so we are grounding two DC3's and a DC4 instead."

An office manager who supports Manchester United arrives at his department and sees a Liverpool fan sitting behind a desk, totally stressed out.

He also use to have a stress problem, so he gave him the following advice to the Liverpool man, " I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered and sexually satisfied by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too, you will feel like a new man.""

Two weeks later the office manager arrives at his department he sees the Liverpool fan happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.

The manager said "I see you followed my advice."

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great. By the way I did not know you had such a lovely house."

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman,
Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a "woman's"
magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she
had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother,all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while....
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip....

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers,
his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel.
Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.
So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners
and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild screaming ear-splitting climaxes,
one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted,
"And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"


Hope it isn't too rude

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

I have heard this joke before Jeanie about 10 years ago. Nearly as old as mine.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' I said stepping out of the shower one day back in 2006. ",What do you think the neighbours would say if I went out into the garden and mowed the lawn like this?" The wife (she who must at least be listened to) gave a smirk and grunted. "That I obviously married you for your money,"

Cow.

Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S


A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Found some sea-horse in my fishcakes. This is getting ridiculous -!

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!

Yes. Very good. Doesn't really show the fairer sex in a good light does it! Still. Takes all kinds to make a world.

Subject: Simple Truths of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one , when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Hopefully not to offensive ?

Excellent Jeanie. Looks like we must carry the rest of the forum towards a more humorous existence - Hey ho -.


What do you call a sensitive, good-looking, humorous man?

A rumour.

Seniors Leaving Britain



Late News Flash from the offshore Portland Bill.

The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the South coast of England today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to,

but away from Britain towards the Middle East.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British

who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to the

Middle East

so as to be able to return to Britain as illegal immigrants

and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving

as legitimate

British pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel

and assisted them on their journey.

I have booked the next boat out,

Please let me know if you want to come.

Could you put my wifes name down on that list please. She doesn't need any benefits - she has me instead.
But I would be forever in your debt.

As the wife once said -"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint".

IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS ONE ............
TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS OFF!

A man came out of of prison after serving five years for a crime. On his release he got his old clothes back and released with a few pounds and went to stop at a room in a hostel. After paying out for some food and other things he needed for himself he found he only had a five pound note left.

He was thinking how to celebrate his release back into the big wide world. So he thought that being locked up in prison for the last few years he thought that he has not been with a woman.

He was missing female company so he went to the red light area of the local town and thought about finding and paying for a prostitute.

He came across of a lady of the night and asked her "How much will it cost for sex for the night?"

She said, "For a couple of hours it will cost you £30."

He replied, "But I have only a fiver."

She said, "Now then it will be at least £30 for my service and not any less."

He pleaded with her that he had been in prison and has not seen a female for a few years and all he had left was £5. Is there anything she could do for £5?

After listening to his story she was feeling sorry for him. So she said, " I tell you what. You can come back to my place for an hour and for the £5 you can make love to me with your big toe."

He thought about it and said, "OK! It is better than nothing."

So they went back to her place and after doing the deed with his big toe, he paid her the £5 for her service and left and went back to the hostel he was staying at.

After a couple of weeks he noticed his big toe was red and swollen and sore. Seeing his big toe getting worse and the mess it was getting over time he got an appointment with the local Doctor.

At the surgery he was having his toe examined by the Doctor. The Doctor said to the ex-prisoner, " I do not want to worry you to much but this is rather unusual."

The man looking worried replied, " Well tell me what is wrong with my big toe Doctor and what can you do?"

The Doctor said, " I can treat it and I can tell you that you have Venereal Disease of the big toe."

The man replied, " That is a funny one."

The Doctor said. " Not as funny as the one last week. I had a lady in here with Athlete's Fanny."

Hey up. Your mask is slipping laddie

Two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office.

All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"

Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, rather tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."

O Dear. That's nearly as bad as my Aubergine joke.

I was just sitting here thinking I might go to bed when my space-saver came up with a picture -

And promted thus-

In the old days when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called Golf.

Funny that in't it!

One of our local Welsh farmers decided he wanted to go and see a film at our local (10 miles away) cinema but never goes anywhere without his favourite chicken which he had raised from an egg. Knowing they wouldn't let him in with it he stuck it down his overalls and got passed the ticket booth and into the cinema and found a seat next to two old biddies.
Once the film started he opened his fly so the chicken could stick its head out to breathe properly. He was in his seventies but had quite good hearing which wasn't the case with the two old biddies next to him for as the film progressed he heard the following conversation between them.
"Dieu dieu Marge I think this man sitting next to me is a pervert you know."
A slight pause follwed then.
"Dieu dieu Blod. What makes you think that then?"
"Well he's just undone his pants - and he's got his thing out isn't it."
Another pause followed -.
"Well - I wouldn't worry about it. At our age we've seen them all haven't we."
Marge gave a nervous cough then -.
"Well that's what I thought to - but this one's eating my popcorn - - - isn't it."

Jim wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
At the job interview the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Jim said: "I would put all signals to danger"
"What if they were going too fast?", asked the inspector.
Jim said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down the signal box steps waving a red flag", said Jim.
"What if it blew away in the wind?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run back into the signal box & phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," persevered Jim, "I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Harry."
This puzzled the Inspector, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."