A bit of humour

For Men Only
My Satnav

I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive "its thirty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
   

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'




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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

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Let us pray.......................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

   

Jeannie lyrical waxing. Is anything less taxing. Her jokes abound. Clean and Sound. So teamplayer can't go axing. - Loved it.  

Atlas wrote:Jeannie lyrical waxing. Is anything less taxing. Her jokes abound. Clean and Sound. So teamplayer can't go axing. - Loved it.   

Sorry Atlas and Jeanie. Please explain  ?????

Hey up. Butter wouldn't melt - - -  

Good one. Liked it Mojo Hill.   

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say "No" - they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do....
that's why I hide them in my bag"!
   

Cheeky jeanie, cheeky -.   

A junior school pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat at the weekend but it was dead..
" How did you know it was dead?" she asked him.
" Because i pissed in it's ear and it didn't move." he replied.
" YOU DID WHAT???" said the shocked teacher.
" You know." explained the boy, " I leaned over and went psssssst in it's ear and it didn't move!!"
   

Where do you get them from Jeanie? Loved it.   

Atlas wrote:Where do you get them from Jeanie? Loved it.   

I do my best to make you smile x:)   

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ...
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
   

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Loved it. Might have upset another of our posters though jeanie - and we know who don't we?     

Atlas wrote:Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Loved it. Might have upset another of our posters though jeanie - and we know who don't we?     

Reckon I might hit a nerve close to home sad person it's a bit of humour at the end of the day ! Laugh and the world laughs with you ,  

cry and you cry alone. 

Sorry Jeanie and Atlas. I am crying. Cry laughing at the jokes.      

teamplayer2 wrote:Sorry Jeanie and Atlas. I am crying. Cry laughing at the jokes.      

Happy to be of service nice to have a sense of humour it's what we all need these days  

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A very successful American attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out a truck came speeding along and tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and, with his lights flashing, pulled up behind the Lexus.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney became hysterical and started screaming that his Lexus, only purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how any car body shops tried to make it new again.
When the lawyer finally stopped ranting, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
“How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied: "Don't you realise that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, NO!!!" screamed the lawyer .... "My Rolex!"

Getting Married

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "Yes"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We do..."
Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Jack: "Then we'd like to use this shop for our wedding presents list..."
   

Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S


A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Bet your friends haven't seen this one ! ! !

  

Very good Jeanie.