A bit of humour

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have developed into really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
> > Xmas fancy dress party.
> > He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
> > leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
> > problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
> > note:
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> > Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
> > handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
> > leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
> > offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
> > writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
> > receives another parcel and note
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> > Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
> > monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
> > with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
> > is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
> > has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
> > attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
> > letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
> > parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> > Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
> > We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
> > head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
> > and go as a toffee apple.

a witty Charly comment on 'Leaving The Scene' raised some memories ...

Netlore Archive:


A Journalist had visited the area of Kuwait many years before the Gulf War and noticed that the women walked at least 10 feet behind the men, and she thought that was not right, but said nothing.

After the Gulf War she went back to the same area and notice that now the men walked 10 feet behind the women. she ran up to one of the women and said, "What a change you have brought about, how did you make the men change so that they walk behind you?" The woman quietly replied, "Land mines."

Mojo Hill wrote:a witty Charly comment on 'Leaving The Scene' raised some memories ...

Netlore Archive:


A Journalist had visited the area of Kuwait many years before the Gulf War and noticed that the women walked at least 10 feet behind the men, and she thought that was not right, but said nothing.

After the Gulf War she went back to the same area and notice that now the men walked 10 feet behind the women. she ran up to one of the women and said, "What a change you have brought about, how did you make the men change so that they walk behind you?" The woman quietly replied, "Land mines."

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Well done jeanie.

Atlas wrote:Well done jeanie.

Thank You one does try to keep a smile going

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo!

Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,'Wooooo! Wooooo!

Woooooo!He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked

The remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other

Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied

'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo!

Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a

Beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.



Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian

Ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there

Was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.



He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.



The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a

While, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was

Thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians

Found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'



He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo!

Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,

WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,







He raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.The following day,

The headline of the local newspaper read...............



You'll like this.................







NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY

TRAIN!!!

Ah t' be sure. That was a fine one.

NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN - SIGN-UP NOW
Classes for Men at our Local Learning Centre for Adults Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their c
ontents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

TOPIC 1 -
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.

TOPIC 2 -
The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 -
Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 -
Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. 
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 -
The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 -
Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. 
Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 -
Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 -
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. 
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 -
Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 -
Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? 
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 -
Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 -
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 -
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to Be Late. 
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. *

* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued * * * * to 
the few survivors. * *

TOPIC 14. Basic English. For Males who think the above list is in a foreign language. Contact Admin.


Well done Hinch.

Here is a tale of woe
Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his friend, Bob. Therefore, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbour’s will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

However, about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Moreover, you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

keithatrochdale wrote:A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


I wish I could think that fast.
.

Erm I posted that not Keith ?

OOoooo! That keithatrochdale! You can't trust some people you know. Tch.

Jeanie wrote:

Erm I posted that not Keith ?

Oops, had it been posted before, sorry......

Told to me by the Mother-in-Law.

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Subject: NICE ONE

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her
husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'.
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated,just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is
sound asleep.
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!Evrae time ma hubbie came home
drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even
once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"The Doctor says:
"Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's
keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

>

DOG FOR SALE


A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."


The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying "So and So" he's never been out of the garden."

Love that one. Brrrrilliant -.

TOO FUNNY MUST READ

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

Hell Of A Day

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

Sobbing I say: "This is the worst day of my life! .. I'm a complete failure! .. I was late to a meeting this morning, and my boss fired me! .. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance! .. I left my wallet in the cab I took home! .. I found my wife with another man .. and then my dog bit me! .. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all!"

Still sobbing: "I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve .. and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"

"But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"