A bit of humour

Stay Young My Friends & Family


We all need to read this one over and over -

until it becomes part of who we are!




HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)




3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...
Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.



6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it...
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next city, county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend...



11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?

Nothing bad will happen . . .
But do share this with someone.



Remember! Lost time is gone for ever and can never be found.

Be kinder than is necessary,

for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.



And Remember . . .


Wine does not make you FAT .....

- it makes you LEAN .....
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

Cows:



A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL

database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.



Now give me back my dog.





AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM is all about

hahaha brilliant!

I would join charly in a smile if it wasn't that near to the truth as to be obscenely pathetic. Tell you what - let's go in for Lancashire Autonomy - self-rule - and set up yet ANOTHER tier of useless, pathetic, money guzzling bureaucracy. : :

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too !

Very good jeanie. But the last line whilst highly amusing mars the effect. Could suggest something like :-

"Well it's very difficult to always employ truthfull people. I'm surprised he didn't say I was speeding too!"

Much more in keeping.

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

“No!” yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

“For the last time, no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”

The blonde says, “Because I Wanna stay up here with you!”

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, “If you kiss me and turn me back, I’ll do whatever you say!”

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?”

The engineer says, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”

Ah - I remember it well - - - -




Memory - was something you lost with age




An application - was for employment




A program - was a TV show




A cursor - used profanity




A keyboard - was a piano




A web - was a spider's home




A virus - was the flu




A CD - was a bank account




A hard drive - was a long trip on the road




A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3 inch floppy … .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
… .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. …… . you just hoped nobody ever found out!???

Vey funny Atlas.  

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

  

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - author unknown

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
 

Well done that little 50 year old grey-haired lady. Loved it. 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million pounds."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 Very good mojo hill - liked that.  

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Sheesh Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"

   love it x

Nicely tp2. 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven............
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna." and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked. "Sara Pipalini." replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!