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A bit of humour

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Post  Jeanie Tue May 28, 2013 10:12 pm

Stay Young My Friends & Family


We all need to read this one over and over -

until it becomes part of who we are!




HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)




3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...
Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.



6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it...
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next city, county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend...



11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?

Nothing bad will happen . . .
But do share this with someone.



Remember! Lost time is gone for ever and can never be found.

Be kinder than is necessary,

for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.



And Remember . . .


Wine does not make you FAT .....

- it makes you LEAN .....
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)


Wink
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Post  Jeanie Thu May 30, 2013 10:21 am

Cows:



A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni®️ suit, Gucci®️ shoes, RayBan®️ sunglasses and YSL®️ tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell®️ notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3®️ cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop®️ and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot®️ that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®️

database through an ODBC connected Excel®️ spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry®️ and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet®️ printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.



Now give me back my dog.





AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM is all about
Wink




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Post  Charly Thu May 30, 2013 11:07 am

hahaha brilliant!
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Post  Atlas Fri May 31, 2013 12:24 am

I would join charly in a smile if it wasn't that near to the truth as to be obscenely pathetic. Tell you what - let's go in for Lancashire Autonomy - self-rule - and set up yet ANOTHER tier of useless, pathetic, money guzzling bureaucracy. : Sad Wink :
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Post  Jeanie Sun Jun 02, 2013 7:34 pm

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too !
Wink
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Post  Atlas Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:32 am

Very good jeanie. But the last line whilst highly amusing mars the effect. Could suggest something like :-

"Well it's very difficult to always employ truthfull people. I'm surprised he didn't say I was speeding too!"

Much more in keeping. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Wink
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Post  Jeanie Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:43 pm

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

“No!” yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

“For the last time, no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”

The blonde says, “Because I Wanna stay up here with you!”
Wink
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Post  Jeanie Sat Jun 08, 2013 11:10 pm

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, “If you kiss me and turn me back, I’ll do whatever you say!”

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?”

The engineer says, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Post  Jeanie Wed Jun 12, 2013 9:17 pm

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit.

Sad
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Post  Jeanie Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:48 pm

A woman (Orange County Ca. )brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$550.00!" she cried, "$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00"
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Post  Jeanie Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:33 pm

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!­!!!!
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Post  teamplayer2 Tue Jun 25, 2013 7:10 am

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.
 
"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman"

I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.

"So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, then ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground"

"I yelled.... Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you! "

St. Peter was impressed,
 
"When did this happen"
 
 
 


"About three minutes ago."
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Post  Atlas Wed Jun 26, 2013 1:08 am

Ah - I remember it well - - - - affraid




Memory - was something you lost with age




An application - was for employment




A program - was a TV show




A cursor - used profanity




A keyboard - was a piano




A web - was a spider's home




A virus - was the flu




A CD - was a bank account




A hard drive - was a long trip on the road




A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3 inch floppy … .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
… .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. …… . you just hoped nobody ever found out!???
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Post  teamplayer2 Wed Jun 26, 2013 8:13 am

Vey funny Atlas.  lol!Very Happy
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Post  Jeanie Sun Jul 07, 2013 10:34 pm

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

Wink Very Happy 
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Post  Jeanie Fri Jul 12, 2013 9:57 pm

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
Wink 
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Post  Jeanie Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:10 pm

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - author unknown

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Shocked 
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Post  Atlas Sat Jul 20, 2013 1:21 am

Well done that little 50 year old grey-haired lady. Loved it.Very Happy 
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Post  teamplayer2 Sat Jul 20, 2013 10:44 pm

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million pounds."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
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Post  Guest Mon Jul 29, 2013 5:09 pm

A bit of humour - Page 9 Funny-political-sayings_4890809131073977


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Post  Atlas Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:49 am

affraid Very good mojo hill - liked that.Very Happy Very Happy 
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Post  teamplayer2 Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:30 pm

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Sheesh Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"
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Post  Jeanie Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:30 pm

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy love it x
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Post  Atlas Sat Aug 10, 2013 1:12 am

Nicely tp2.Laughing 
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Post  Jeanie Mon Aug 12, 2013 10:32 pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven............
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna." and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked. "Sara Pipalini." replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Very Happy Very Happy Laughing 
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