Re: A bit of humour

Hinch Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:57 am

past it wrote:
Atlas wrote:Just saying 'hello'. Past It is hoping this thread will die away. No. Not yet mi old cock-sparrow.

As long as it contains gratuitous foul language and extremely poor sexual attempts at humour I will continue to do so. It is unlikely to happen I know because what I describe is clearly welcomed by some contributors.
Proof if needed can be can be witnessed by the fact that the moderators removed one particularly awful piece. A bridge too far I guess.
Off piste so to speak how do I include smilies?

I'd better not tell you the one about the pineapple rings then or the one about three nuns and a boa-constrictor!

teamplayer2 Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:15 am

I know one but might be to much for some people.

Atlas Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:27 am

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

It would be pointless using any other 'word' would it not 'past it'?

Jeanie Thu Jan 31, 2013 9:06 pm

GODS Creation as told by a Northerner 2013

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, ‘where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘what is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘what’s that?'

'Ah,' said God. That is the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of idiots I'm putting down South!’
Laughing

past it Thu Jan 31, 2013 9:13 pm

Atlas wrote:When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

It would be pointless using any other 'word' would it not 'past it'?

If you are telling that joke then it would be.

Jeanie Thu Jan 31, 2013 10:24 pm

past it wrote:
Charly wrote:Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding?

I have tried to drag a smillie across but nothing happens. I am not kidding really.

mmmm could it be that the "smileys" know Past It hasn't got a sense of humour Wink

Atlas Fri Feb 01, 2013 12:23 am

Indeed, indeed jeanie. How sad is that. Sad

past it Fri Feb 01, 2013 4:05 pm

Jeanie wrote:
past it wrote:
Charly wrote:Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding? :lol:

I have tried to drag a smillie across but nothing happens. I am not kidding really.

mmmm could it be that the "smileys" know Past It hasn't got a sense of humour ;) :lol: :lol: :lol:

As mentioned before when gratuitous foul language and crude sex is the major part of a joke it is there because without it some would not consider it funny. Humour does not have to be coarse. This thread relies on the latter. I wish there was more of the former.
I still cannot get any of those smileys to drag across even if there was one suitable.

Charly Fri Feb 01, 2013 5:11 pm

Dont try dragging it...try clicking on it

teamplayer2 Fri Feb 01, 2013 5:35 pm

Tell a clean joke then Past It.

teamplayer2 Fri Feb 01, 2013 5:56 pm

A bride and groom were spending their first night of their marriage at an hotel.

In the room the newly married husband was getting ready for bed when he saw his newly wedded wife sitting with a worried look on her face. The husband asked her "What is wrong are you nervous love".

The wife replied "I have something to tell you".

The husband responded "You can tell me and there should be no secrets between us". Reassuring her.

The wife replied "Well I can tell you before I met you. I use to be a Hooker".

The husband took her by the hand looked into her eyes and said "Well do not worry. I married you. Your past is the past, but I find it quite exciting and can you tell me more".

She said "My name was John and I use to play for Wigan Warriors".

Charly Fri Feb 01, 2013 6:00 pm

Charly Fri Feb 01, 2013 6:37 pm

Went shopping today for burgers but they all had 'Best before Royal Ascot' on so I didnt buy any.
Tesco also had a sign up 'Special offer on only fuel and horses'.

teamplayer2 Fri Feb 01, 2013 6:54 pm

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - £95.00
Court Costs - £45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

teamplayer2 Fri Feb 01, 2013 7:26 pm

A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

The blind man turned to the visitor and said, "No, I'm going to thoroughly kick that dog's butt. I'm just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which."

Jeanie Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:27 pm

past it wrote:
Jeanie wrote:
past it wrote:
Charly wrote:Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding?

I have tried to drag a smillie across but nothing happens. I am not kidding really.

mmmm could it be that the "smileys" know Past It hasn't got a sense of humour

As mentioned before when gratuitous foul language and crude sex is the major part of a joke it is there because without it some would not consider it funny. Humour does not have to be coarse. This thread relies on the latter. I wish there was more of the former.
I still cannot get any of those smileys to drag across even if there was one suitable.

Why do you come on this post if you don't like it past it ? is it so you can report the next one to the powers that you think even listen to you ,get a life Basketball

johnb Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:35 pm

Ultimately the posts show the intelligence and empathy of the posters...

Jeanie Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:43 pm

johnb wrote:Ultimately the posts show the intelligence and empathy of the posters...

Excellently put J. B a good sense of humour from all but one Laughing

past it Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:20 am

Jeanie wrote:
past it wrote:
Jeanie wrote:
past it wrote:
Charly wrote:Smileys are at the side of your 'post a reply' text box PI or are you kidding? :lol:

I have tried to drag a smillie across but nothing happens. I am not kidding really.

mmmm could it be that the "smileys" know Past It hasn't got a sense of humour ;) :lol: :lol: :lol:

As mentioned before when gratuitous foul language and crude sex is the major part of a joke it is there because without it some would not consider it funny. Humour does not have to be coarse. This thread relies on the latter. I wish there was more of the former.
I still cannot get any of those smileys to drag across even if there was one suitable.

Why do you come on this post if you don't like it past it ? is it so you can report the next one to the powers that you think even listen to you ,get a life :bball:

You are going to understand this eventually. It is not possible to comment on a post without reading it first. I don't understand the reporting bit. The moderators are there to monitor the posts. I note they removed one of yours.

past it Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:32 am

Jeanie wrote:
johnb wrote:Ultimately the posts show the intelligence and empathy of the posters...

Excellently put J. B a good sense of humour from all but one :lol:

As one would expect you have completely missed JB's point

Charly Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:36 am

I think the question was why do you bother to read the jokes thread not the individual posts.
I didn't read the thread on the dolphins as it held no interest for me after the first few posts.
Simples tsk

past it Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:49 am

Charly wrote:I think the question was why do you bother to read the jokes thread not the individual posts.
I didn't read the thread on the dolphins as it held no interest for me after the first few posts.
Simples tsk

It's a fair point which has no obvious answer other than when a dialogue starts there is a tendency to continue. I share your views on the dolphin thread.
The original jokes were fine but in my opinion became cruder as time went by. Hence my comment.

johnb Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:08 pm

I don't object to the odd bit of crudity provided the joke is funny, original or preferably both.

Most of the ones complained about are neither.

Hinch Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:58 pm

Plenty of unfunny jokes on here; usually of the cut and pasted variety that seems to pass for humour in America.

Not seen anything offensive though.

I don't mind a bit of colourful lingo if it's relevant.

A continual stream of filth of the Roy Chubby Brown variety is just crude, unoriginal and banal but I can't say it offends me.

Atlas Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:03 am

Johnny Goon Tweed would make Chubby Brown's patter look like an afternoon sermon on the Mount.
Don't like it - avoid the thread altogether then it won't upset you. Very Happy

And for the teeth grinders - here's another one -

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her posterior, in the fold, was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

Sponsored content