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Coming to terms with an unpleasant shock

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Post  southernbelle Tue Nov 27, 2012 7:54 pm

How do you realise and accept that someone you thought you knew well, worked with and admired for a long time is in fact a paedophile? There must be many people out there who find themselves in that position, in reference to both JS and CS. Their family members too must be shocked and distressed beyond words. The "perps" are no longer around to take the flack and remaining family must fear the spotlight being turned on them by the media.
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Post  Hinch Tue Nov 27, 2012 8:35 pm

Many of us have travelled that particular route Dear Heart. I know I have and it causes no end of personal conflict and heartache.

At the end of the day, you have to undertake the obligations of close friendships or family ties whilst making it perfectly plain how abhorrant their acts are and avoid, at all costs, any temptation to trivialise or cover-up their vile acts.

Easy to tap into a keyboard but not easy to walk the walk. I know, I've done it.
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Post  Atlas Wed Nov 28, 2012 12:59 am

You are only ever responsible for your own morals and conduct -NEVER anyone else's. The family that maintains it doesn't have skeletons in their cupboards are either deluding themselves or lying. Sins of the fathers etc is rubbish as are all the other archaic beliefs and are only ever used to purposely hurt (which in itself shows a disturbed mind) or for some form of self-gain or gratification. Genetics are proving that such traits or shameful behavior are NOT transferable but the result of personal birth genes or acquired from some form of nurturing. The 'Smith' family may have revelled in one of their members reaching such dizzy heights and may well have used such to better their own personal standings. If so it is only natural. But having taken the good they will now have to live with the bad. But it doesn't reflect on them personally unless they wish it to do so. Do I have sympathy? Well I knew the brother - and I will leave it at that. Sad
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Post  Irishman Wed Nov 28, 2012 10:37 am

I remember great words of wisdom from my father regarding charity, “if two or more know what you do for charity, then you do it for the wrong reasons” He was a very fit man and a soldier and he did a lot for charity but few knew that, wasn’t something he talked about through his life. I found out about it through pure chance and questioned him on it, that was his response.

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Post  Hinch Wed Nov 28, 2012 11:05 am

Reminds me of Rod who used to post on the old RO forums. Always talking about the latest charity event he had attended or performed at.

Reminded me of the Paul Whitehouse/Harry Enfield characters; 'Smashy and Nicey'. "I do a lot for charity but I don't like to talk about it."
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Post  southernbelle Wed Nov 28, 2012 12:58 pm

Whatever the individuals reasons, if the charity benefits, can the reason be wrong? Admittedly to be constantly hearing of anothers goodness is irritating...
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Post  Charly Wed Nov 28, 2012 2:48 pm

Rod performed at the last charity event I went to with Jeanie and a few others...we had a great night! drunken cheers
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Post  Irishman Wed Nov 28, 2012 4:03 pm

southernbelle wrote:Whatever the individuals reasons, if the charity benefits, can the reason be wrong? Admittedly to be constantly hearing of anothers goodness is irritating...

Not if the children you're "helping" are being abused between charity gigs SB.

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Post  southernbelle Wed Nov 28, 2012 4:11 pm

That of course is entirely true, I was thunking more of the motives of self aggrandisement or "trumpet blowing"!! But then again I suspect you knew I meant that Rolling Eyes
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Post  teamplayer2 Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:07 pm

I know what you are saying Southernbelle. Finding out things in your own family does come as a shock but all you can do is try and do the best with your own family and protect them if needed and hope time heals if at all.

Very good post from you.
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Post  Jeanie Thu Nov 29, 2012 10:46 pm

Charly wrote: Rod performed at the last charity event I went to with Jeanie and a few others...we had a great night! drunken cheers

We certainly did have a brilliant night Charly Rod put on a great show for Catherine my sister-in-law keeps asking when the next night out is ? I think she wants to be a table 12er Very Happy lol!
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Post  past it Fri Nov 30, 2012 3:55 pm

Jeanie wrote:
Charly wrote: Rod performed at the last charity event I went to with Jeanie and a few others...we had a great night! :drunken: :cheers:

We certainly did have a brilliant night Charly Rod put on a great show for Catherine my sister-in-law keeps asking when the next night out is ? I think she wants to be a table 12er :D :lol!:

What has this got to do the thread? "Coming to grips with an unpleasant shock" in the light of recent events should be treated with greater respect.

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Post  Charly Fri Nov 30, 2012 5:52 pm

Laughing Who are you, the thread police?
There were 2 or 3 posts deviating from the subject before my post and i wasnt the first one to mention Rod
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Post  Hinch Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:46 pm

It was me I'm afraid. I think it's called 'thread-drift'.

I will just say that if this thread is about Cyril Smith, whilst I have sympathy for any family and friends of child abusers, these allegations have been round a long, long time and have been covered up repeatedly so it can hardly be a complete 'bolt from the blue' that the police now think he is guilty.

Yes, I am sure that there will be those feeling let down. There are others who believe in his complete innocence despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

The ones I feel really sorry for are those who have had to live almost their entire lives feeling scorned, ridiculed and disbelieved.

I am afraid that the people I have spoken to over the last couple of weeks are divided on party lines regarding their belief in his guilt or innocence. That's the really sad part.
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Post  past it Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:58 pm

Charly wrote: :lol: Who are you, the thread police?
There were 2 or 3 posts deviating from the subject before my post and i wasnt the first one to mention Rod

There are some threads deserving respect because of their subject. You and some others clearly do not think so.
The last comment was from Jeannie not you.

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Post  johnb Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:55 pm

so the light needs shining into all the dark corners...

Once you investigate, you can;t really put the carpet back and sweep the dirt back underneath it.
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Post  Jeanie Fri Nov 30, 2012 11:15 pm

Life throws many things at us all one of the hardest things is hearing something we know nothing about either as a family or as a friend.
Then dealing with it in our own way !

I have been down that road many years ago and was judged by some as "should have known" as a family member ! I didn't but dealt with it but it didn't stop some from judging me on something they knew nothing about other than their own opinion Shocked
I came through it and my thoughts go with Cyril s family.
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Post  Hinch Sat Dec 01, 2012 10:58 am

Well, in this case, my own thoughts are with the victims who have been scorned, disbelieved throughout.

Yes, Jeanie, I know the wagging-tongue syndrome. As a member of a family with someone in crisis of some sort, some people will always think you knew something or were perhaps colluding or responsible in some way.

In some ways, the family too becomes an indirect victim. What I look at here is what support or sentiments are expressed by the family of the perpetrator towards the victims? Usually, there is very little although Savile's family, to their credit, were quick to express their sympathy for the victims.

Have not seen anything like this from Smith's family.

There is of course a tendency in families to support their family member and this can often blind them to the realities as they often go into denial mode. It is very difficult.

However, the exploitation of vulnerable kids for sexual gratification remains one of the most vile and reprehensible acts that a human being can perpetrate on another. It is a total abuse of trust and power.

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Post  cyfrifia Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:24 pm

The abuse, one way and the other of people 'in care', whether children, the elderly (or hospital patients, as in the news recently) is frighteningly routine. There was an interview on radio recently of a woman who felt she was treated 'with contempt' when she was ill in hospital, and dreading becoming ill again and going back in. It does happen all the time, wants sorting out.

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Post  Irishman Sat Dec 01, 2012 1:17 pm

cyfrifia wrote:The abuse, one way and the other of people 'in care', whether children, the elderly (or hospital patients, as in the news recently) is frighteningly routine. There was an interview on radio recently of a woman who felt she was treated 'with contempt' when she was ill in hospital, and dreading becoming ill again and going back in. It does happen all the time, wants sorting out.

People going into these places now and in the future will be shaking in their boots at the prospect of care in our society and what they may face, bad enough having the ordeal of going into care now they must fear the worst, they'll shoot me first. Shocked

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Post  cyfrifia Sat Dec 01, 2012 1:55 pm

If there was not so much opportunity and acceptance of abuse of all kinds in 'care' situations, we might have less damaged and resentful people and fewer families of abusers and abused upset.

What to do about it? Put decent and aware people in management positions, any other ideas?

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